One Step Forward, Four Steps Back Chapter Nineteen

ONE STEP FORWARD, FOUR STEPS BACK
A THOR/AVENGERS FANFICTION
CHAPTER NINETEEN: Jealousy

Loki and his elder-self were getting along better than the young boy had anticipated.  They had their fair share of arguments, most of which resulted with Loki in tears, but overall the two shared a bond that neither could explain.  Elder-Loki was clearly fed up with the chattering of a five-year-old and that was where all the fighting came from.  The man would get so agitated with the little boy's talking that he'd snap.  When they weren't fighting, however, the two of them got along splendidly.  However, Loki still spent much of his time with Jane and Thor, elder-Loki sulking silently in the background.  
A full two weeks had passed, and Loki was beginning to breakdown more and more during the day.  It happened at least once a day; the boy would just start crying for no apparent reason but all the adults knew why.  At times, elder-Loki found himself consoling the boy as best he could until Thor or Jane could come and comfort him.  Elder-Loki was not exactly good with comfort, and would often make Loki cry even harder.  Eventually he would just have to pat the boy's back silently until someone came to see to him.  It was awkward for the man to say the least.
The day after the two week mark at Jane's house found Loki being watched by Erik and Darcy.  Thor and Jane had bravely ventured out of Loki's sight to go grocery shopping, and Loki hadn't noticed that they were gone yet.  Loki and his Bjarte were both sitting cross-legged on the floor, LEGOs surrounding them.  Elder-Loki was annoyed with the boy who wanted to build a city and actually leave it built for a while.  Elder-Loki thought that the town should be leveled because it was ugly and destroying things is entertaining.  Darcy and Erik knew about Loki's imaginary friend, so they weren't concerned when a very loud, apparently one-sided, argument broke out between the two.
"No, Bjarte!  I wan' the city t' stay built!  I like it!" Loki cried.  Elder-Loki huffed.
"But where's the fun in that?  Chaos is so much fun." he retorted.  Loki flinched at the word chaos.
"Yeah, but Thor tol' me that when Darcy and Mr. Se…Sel…um, Mr. Erik are watchin' me not to get in trouble 'cause they're workin'." Loki informed him.  Elder-Loki rolled his eyes.
"And you always do what Thor says?" elder-Loki asked mockingly.  Loki nodded.
"Yup.  'M good." Loki told him proudly.
"Oh, you're an angel, but destroying your city isn't bad.  It's just noisy and messy.  You'd clean it up." elder-Loki said.  Loki groaned.
"But I always clean up your messes!  You leave a mess an' I have t' clean it up.  Tha's not fair!" Loki cried.  Elder-Loki merely chuckled lightly.
"In case you haven't noticed yet, life's not fair.  Besides, if I cleaned up people would think you were up to something, seeing things moving all on their own.  I suppose I could always channel my magic through you but since you can't control it so it would go berserk and you'd hurt someone.  I'm sure you don't want to hurt anyone." elder-Loki explained softly.  Loki blinked and shook his head.  The last thing he wanted was to hurt anyone.
"You're right.  I don' wan' t' hurt anyone, Bjarte.  But 'm still not breaking my city." Loki said, grabbing his plastic lion and placing it in the city.
"I suppose you win this time, little one," elder-Loki said, putting his head in his hands.  Elder-Loki was getting extremely bored with only Loki to talk to, but knew better than to tell Loki that.  Loki was in a fragile state and didn't need his only playmate to tell him that he didn't like him anymore.  That would just make Thor's life harder than it needed to be.  Not to say that wouldn't be entertaining….Elder-Loki's thoughts were interrupted by Loki's sudden sniffles.
"Oh no," he muttered, "not now."  Elder-Loki swung his head around and found tears running silently down the boy's face.  Elder-Loki sighed and went over to him, putting a hand on Loki's shaking frame.
"Come now, enough of this," elder-Loki said sternly, recalling what Odin did when he would catch his sons crying past four years of age.  The All-Father felt that boys shouldn't shed tears past infancy and belittled them for doing so.  
"Enough now, little one," elder-Loki said gently, "all is well."  Instead of calming down, Loki just began to cry harder, little sobs and whimpers sounding from him.  Elder-Loki sighed and wondered how to get Erik and Darcy's attention.  An idea fell right into place (as it always does for him) and he recalled how his magic is channeled through the boy.  Elder-Loki gripped Loki's tiny shoulder and exhaled, magic coursing through him and flowing out through the little boy.  Elder-Loki glanced around and smirked, the lights were flickering and all the newly replaced glassware was shaking slightly.  Darcy glanced up at the lights and grabbed Erik's arm.
"What's going on?" she asked worriedly.  Erik tore his eyes from his work and glanced around, his eyes fixed on Loki.  
"Oh no," he grunted, gesturing for Darcy to look as well.
"Crap.  What should we do?" Darcy questioned.  Neither of them had much experience with children, making this situation uncomfortable for both of them.  Meanwhile, elder-Loki was rolling his eyes in annoyance.
"Just bloody walk over and comfort him you morons," elder-Loki muttered under his breath.  Erik and Darcy just stood talking in hushed tones for a moment or two and eventually Darcy cautiously made her way over.  As she approached, elder-Loki stopped the spell, the lights and glass returning to normal.  Darcy crouched down to Loki, unsure of how to continue.  The boy's sobs had become loud and heartbreaking, Loki muttering incoherently as he cried.
"Hey buddy," Darcy said gently.  Loki glanced up, but dropped his gaze.  Darcy sighed sadly and picked him up.
"It's alright," she told him.  Loki shook his head.
"I w-wa-wan' T-Thor," Loki said in between sobs.  Darcy rubbed his back soothingly.
"I know, but he and Jane went shopping.  You're stuck with me and Erik, kiddo." Darcy said.  Loki began to cry harder.  Darcy walked over to Erik and sat down, adjusting Loki on her lap.  He was facing her, his face buried in her shirt.
"You can't get him to calm down?" Erik asked.  Darcy shook her head.
"He wants Thor," Darcy said, still rubbing the boy's back.  Erik pulled at his hair and sat down next to her.
"What should we do?  Just let him cry himself out?" Erik questioned.  Darcy shrugged.
"I don't know.  I don't really know anything about kids." Darcy told him.
"Yeah-" Erik's gaze quickly turned toward Loki and he continued, "What?  What did you say?" Darcy quickly realized that Erik wasn't addressing her.  Loki eyes met Erik's for a brief moment, just long enough to hear him speak
"It hurt," Loki said.  Erik's brow lowered in confusion as Loki's eyes were hidden once more.
"What hurt?" he asked.  Loki didn't look up again.
"It h'rt w-when the S-S-Shadow took all my nails o-off.  It h'rt when it c-cut m-my t-t-tummy open, Mr. S-s…Sel…" Erik shushed him quietly and gestured for Darcy to hand him the boy.  She did so, wondering why he would want to hold Loki.  Erik never showed any interest in the boy, he merely put up with him.  He hadn't experienced the insane connection to Loki that everyone else had felt.  Erik didn't really care about him at all.  And yet here he was, holding him in his lap.  It was an odd sight to see and Darcy fought the urge to take a picture of it with her phone.
"Oh Loki," Erik whispered, "I am so sorry." Loki cried harder and clung on to the man's shirt.
"It hurt…it hurt so bad…" Loki mumbled into Erik's chest, the rest too incoherent to understand.  Elder-Loki stood watching, a look on his face that he himself wouldn't be able to name if he saw it.  Unable to watch any longer, elder-Loki disappeared leaving Loki alone with Erik and Darcy.
"Loki, have you told Thor of this?" Erik asked gently, knowing full well that the boy may be unable to respond with words.  Loki shook his head and the cries got louder.
"N-no…A-after all of tha', t-the S-Shadow locked m-me in a dark r-room.  I w-was scared…." Erik shushed him.
"You don't have to talk about it.  It's alright now.  No one will hurt you like that again, Loki." Erik told him.  Loki merely shook his head and cried harder.
"Y-yes they w-will!  My elder-self is b-bad!  'M gonna g-get in trouble a-again f-for stuff he d-did!" Loki wailed.
"No, they won't.  No one here will let anyone hurt you again.  You're safe, Loki." As Erik spoke, the door opened.  He and Darcy glanced up and saw Thor in the door way.
"Loki," he said.  Loki's head shot up and his cries continued.
"T-Thor," Loki cried, his arms reaching out to his brother.  Thor hurried over and scooped him up and out of Erik's lap.  Thor cuddled him close in an attempt to calm his sobbing.
"Shh…It's alright Loki.  It's alright now." Thor cooed.  Loki glanced up.
"C-can you sing?" Loki asked in between his sobs and labored breaths.  Thor nodded.
"Come stop you crying, it'll be alright.  Just take my hand, hold it tight.  I will protect you from all around you.  I will be here don't you cry." Thor sang, Loki's cries quieting a little.  Thor nodded in gratitude toward Erik and Darcy, then proceed to walk out of the laboratory.
"For one so small," Thor continued softly, "you seem so strong.  My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm."  Thor stopped as Loki's eyes met his.
"T-this bond between us, can' be broken," Loki sang back, his hiccups making the line of the song hard to understand.  Thor smiled and brought him closer.
"I will be here, don't you cry.  You'll be in my heart.  Yes you'll be in my heart.  From this day on, now and forevermore.  You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say.  You'll be here in my heart, always."  Thor paused for a moment, thinking he heard Loki mutter something.
"What did you say little brother?" Thor asked gently.  Loki lifted his head, tears still pouring from his eyes.
"Why can' they understand the way we feel?" Loki sang, "They j'st don' trust wha' they can' explain.  I-I know we're different but deep inside us, we aren' tha' different at all."  Loki then buried his face into Thor again, tears still falling onto Thor's already soaked shirt.
"And you'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart.  From this day on, now and forevermore.  You'll be in my heart, yes you'll be in my heart.  From this day on, now and forevermore." Thor stopped singing for a moment, Loki no longer crying but whimpering in his arms.
"Keep goin'," Loki mumbled.
"Alright," Thor said then continued, "Don't listen to them, cause what do they know?  We need each other to have to hold.  They'll see in time.  I know.  When destiny calls you, you must be strong.  I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on.  They'll see in time.  I know.  We'll show them together cause," Now Loki's little angelic voice joined in with Thor's and they sang the last chorus together, "You'll be in my heart.  Believe me, you'll be in my heart.  From this day on, now and forevermore.  You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say.  You'll be here in my heart, always."  A silence fell and Thor carried Loki to their room.  He sat down on the bed and adjusted Loki so that the boy had to look at him.
"Are you alright now?" Thor asked the hiccupping little boy.  Loki nodded and wiped his running nose on his sleeve.
"Uh-huh," Loki replied softly.  Thor held him close, Thor's heartbeat calming Loki down further.
"All is well, all is well," Thor chimed.
"Thor?  Is tha' song true?" Loki asked.  Thor blinked and glanced down at Loki, whose eyes were fixed on Thor's face.
"What?" Thor asked.  Loki sniffled a little.
"That song, Thor.  Is it true?" Loki asked again.  Thor's eyes flickered with understanding and he nodded.
"Of course it is, Loki.  I love you.  We are brothers and therefore we shall always care for one another, even if it doesn't seem that way.  You are a good child, Loki.  You didn't deserve what happened to you nor do you deserve to be treated poorly.  I will protect you because I love you." Thor told him.  Loki giggled softly.
"'M glad it's true.  Older me doesn't think so." Loki said with a yawn.  Thor's brow furrowed and his heart slowed.  Older Loki?  What was he talking about?
"What are you talking about?" Thor asked.  Loki rubbed his eyes and moaned softly.
"'M sleepy, Thor," Loki whined.  Thor sighed and helped Loki change.  He tucked the boy in a planted a kiss on his forehead.
"Have a nice nap, Loki," Thor told him.  Loki nodded and fell asleep.  Thor wondered what Loki had meant.  Perhaps the boy had misspoken.  Maybe Loki meant to say "didn't" but said "doesn't" by mistake.  That had to be it.  There couldn't be two Lokis, right?
Thor entered the kitchenette and found Erik sitting at the table with a cup of coffee.  Erik said that there was more in the coffee maker and that Thor was welcome to some.  Thor eagerly agreed and poured himself cup.  Afterword, Erik gestured for him to sit and Thor did so.  There was silence as the two men drank their coffee, neither one making eye contact with the other.  It was extremely awkward.
"Erik," Thor began and was surprised to be cut off.
"Thor, you have no idea what they did to him." Erik said shortly.  Thor blinked.
"You refer to Loki?" Thor asked.  Erik nodded.
"He told me things…horrifying things.  What kind of person does that to a little boy?  He's not…Loki's not…evil.  He's just a kid…" Erik finally trailed off.  Thor put down his cup.
"Things?  What sort of things?  What did Loki tell you?" Thor asked urgently.  Erik shuddered a little.
"He didn't tell me much, but what he did say was sickening.  Thor, this thing he calls 'the Shadow' de-nailed him and cut into his stomach.  I didn't know what to say or do to make the kid feel better.  How do you make a five-year-old feel better when they've been hurt like that?" Erik said.  Thor sighed guiltily.
"I'm sorry dear friend that you had to hear that.  I myself lose sleep over the known and unknown tortures Loki went through inside Fjørlag-Bryggja.  I just wish I were strong enough to make it all go away." Thor commented.  Erik chuckled.
"So do I.  I just wish that his elder-self's shadow would quit hanging over him." Erik said.
"What are you talking about?" Thor questioned.
"You don't see it?" Erik replied.  Thor shook his head.
"Every once in a while, Loki's shadow is that of his elder-self.  It's frightening.  I might be imagining it and I hope that I am.  It's that stupid shadow that turns me off from the boy." Erik told him.
"Strange.  I haven't seen such a shadow.  Elder-Loki is no more as far as I know.  Unless it is reversible, elder-Loki will never be again until the boy grows up.  How odd." Thor mused.  Erik nodded.
"How odd indeed," Erik agreed, both men drinking deeply from their cups wishing it contained more than coffee.
Loki sat up quickly and looked around frantically.  His little heart was beating faster than he ever thought it could.  Thor was around and Loki whimpered slightly, his throat sore from his breakdown earlier.
"You aren't going to start that again, are you?" Loki looked over and some of the pressure left his chest; his Bjarte was here.
"B-Bjarte," Loki said.  Elder-Loki walked over and sat down on the bed.
"You done whimpering like a drooling infant, then?" elder-Loki questioned, his tone rather harsh.  Loki's brow furrowed in confusion.
"Are you okay Bjarte?" Loki asked.  Elder-Loki rolled his eyes.
"Oh, I'm just peachy, okay?" elder-Loki snapped.  Loki flinched and lowered his gaze.
"'M s'rry," Loki mumbled.
"You should be.  Attention seeking makes people hate you." elder-Loki told him harshly.  Loki's eyes darted up, his face burning in anger.  Why was his Bjarte being so mean?
"Attention seekin'?  You think 'm attention seekin'?" Loki said outraged.  
"But of course.  It happens once a day and consistently around the same time, usually the hour after high noon.  It must be a planned thing since it happens so consistently." elder-Loki explained.  Loki's face got hotter.
"You think 'm cryin' just for attention?" Loki questioned.
"Oh, not just that.  Don't sell yourself short.  Everything you do is for attention.  You're not really a good boy, Loki.  You're me.  There's nothing good about us.  You put on an act so people will like you.  And when that doesn't work, you snivel, get cuddly, or piss yourself just for a few seconds of affection.  And for what?  What good does it do in the end?  Because in the end, you'll always be me.  There's no point in trying to escape who you are so why try?  That's right; you're an attention seeking whore." elder-Loki spat.  Loki sat stunned for a moment, unable to speak.  Did elder-Loki really believe that?  Did Loki's Bjarte truly believe that Loki was an attention seeker, unable to gain approve from others any other way?  Did elder-Loki truly think that Loki's traumas were just ploys for attention?
"Tha's not true," Loki whispered.  Elder-Loki groaned.
"Oh, it's not?" he mocked.  Loki nodded, his lip trembling.
"I am good, Thor tells me so.  It's not a act.  'M good.  I don' mean t' cry all the time, I j'st don' know what else t' do.  I feel bad, Bjarte and cryin' sometimes helps me feel better.  Cuddlin' with Thor or Jane or Mr. Banner makes me feel good too.  I don' mean t' have accidents.  It happens when 'm sleepin'.  I don' do it durin' the day very much.  Why are you being so mean t' me?" Loki cried, a few tears escaping his eyes.
"Because I'm jealous of you, okay?" elder-Loki exclaimed loudly, things around the room shuddering slightly.  Loki blinked; that wasn't what he was expecting at all.
"What?" Loki asked.  Elder-Loki took a deep breath.
"I…I don't really think you're a…what did I call you again?" elder-Loki began.
"Um…a 'attention seeking whore'.  Wha's a whore Bjarte?" Loki asked.  Elder-Loki waved his hand silently.
"Doesn't matter.  Ask Thor later.  But I don't think that you're an attention seeking whore, Loki.  You really are a good person, which I am not.  And Thor…T-Thor loves you so much more than he ever loved me.  It just isn't…fair.  He left me, abandoned me and for what?  He's not even king yet!  He's still a prince!  So why?  Doesn't he care?  It's almost as if…as if he doesn't care I'm gone.  Like he's relieved that I don't technically exist.  I'm nothing more than a bad memory for him." elder-Loki explained softly.  Loki crawled over and took elder-Loki's hand.
"Tha's not true, Bjarte.  Thor always cared 'bout you.  You j'st couldn' see it.  He still loves you know.  I know he does.  I think he misses having a grown-up brother t' talk to.  It can' be much fun t' only talk to me…" Loki trialed off.  Elder-Loki glanced down at the boy.
"I'm sure Thor doesn't mind speaking with you.  From what I've seen, he loves to talk to you.  I think he just likes to hear your voice." elder-Loki told him gently.  Loki shrugged.
"I guess.  Bjarte…shoul' I…shoul' I tell Thor 'bout wha' happened in Fjørlag-Bryggja?  I don' like talkin' 'bout it…but sometimes I feel like I shoul'." Loki said.
"Then why don't you if you feel like you should?" elder-Loki questioned.
"'Cause…'cause it's scary.  I don' like remembering it.  You weren' there, Bjarte."  Loki took a sharp breath then continued, "It…it was so s-scary.  The Shadow…it h'rt me, Bjarte.  I can' always talk about it 'cause 'm too scared to." Loki's lip began to tremble.  Elder-Loki noticed and put an arm around the boy.
"Hey, it's alright.  No more crying.  It's alright.  Only tell Thor of your sufferings when you are ready." elder-Loki told him.  Loki nodded and wiped his nose on his sleeve.
"'Kay," Loki replied.  Loki nuzzled into elder-Loki's side.
"Loki, I'm sorry for yelling at you," he said quietly.  
"You are?" Loki asked.
"Yes, I am.  Just understand; I am a jealous creature by nature.  I've always been jealous of Thor's greatness and now I'm jealous of your relationship with him.  I wish…I wish there was a way for me to tell him that I love him, that I'm sorry." elder-Loki said.
"I'll tell him for you," Loki said.  Elder-Loki chuckled.
"He won't believe you," elder-Loki scoffed.  Loki shrugged.
"Maybe.  But e'en if he doesn', at least I tol' him, right?" Loki asked cheerfully.  Elder-Loki smiled weakly.
"I suppose so, little one."
The evening was very quiet compared to the morning.  Dinner was eaten and baths were given without emotional breakdowns or arguments of any kind.  When the time came to put Loki to bed, elder-Loki had been gone for nearly an hour.  Loki felt it appropriate to tell Thor how his elder-self felt now that elder-Loki wasn't around to scoff at him.  Thor tucked the boy in and asked if he would like a bed time story.  Loki nodded.
"Yeah, but I got somethin' to tell you first," Loki said.
"Oh?" Thor asked, getting comfortable on the bed.
"Uh-huh.  Older me didn' think you loved him anymore." Loki told him.  Thor felt sweat forming on his brow.  How would Loki know that?
"Oh," Thor began, clearing his mind, "and how do you know that?" Loki shrugged.
"Why else would he have broken New York?  You said he was jealous of you an' jealousy isn' reason to go an' break a city, Thor.  I think tha' older me thought you didn' love him." Loki explained, carefully avoiding all mention of his elder-self directly.  Thor felt his heart rate decrease in relief.  
"I wish I could tell him that I did and still do love him," Thor responded softly.
"You love me, right?" Loki questioned.
"Of course I do," Thor replied.  Loki giggled softly.
"Then I think you love older me through me," Loki said, a small yawn escaping him.  Thor smiled fondly at his little brother.
"Nothing could be closer to the truth.  I love Loki, big or small." Thor said warmly.  Loki cuddled into Thor's lap.
"An' I love Thor when 'm big or small," Loki replied.  Thor then told the boy a story and held him as he slept.  As he did, he couldn't help but notice some guilt had left him and closer had been brought to him through the speech of one tiny little Loki.